I was never one for silence or for sitting still. In fact, it's really hard for me to do both. I've got a loud mouth and I'm constantly jiggling something- my foot, my leg, sometimes my whole self. If I'm not doing that I'm daydreaming (how Aquarius of me), conquering  my to-do lists or biting my cuticles. What I’m saying is that silence or stillness, for that matter, are certainly not my default setting.

However, it has been brought to my attention that meditation is a key component to happy living. So, in my quest for happiness, I have made a commitment to make time for quiet reflection and meditation each morning. This is much easier said than done. Meditation takes discipline, another quality that does not come naturally to me.

I'll be honest. I've only really started taking responsibility for myself about three years ago (yes, I'm 30 years old and yes, three years ago is accurate). I'm a spiritual kindergartner. I'm just a babe in the woods when it comes to this kind of stuff.  Still, I want a meditation practice.

I've read too many books by too many people who lived many, many years ago in separate places of our vast world who all say the same thing: Happiness is an inside job. The key to the Universe is within you. Look inside yourself.

 I began the year journaling my experiences. I also decided I would try to go on some sort of retreat at least once a month, even if just for a day or few hours.  Nothing went as planned. It all went to shit by February.  I have journal entries for three days. That's it.

January 2, 2011
15 min. meditation. Stomach gurgling. Heart rate up due to the two cigarettes I just smoked in rapid succession. My blog name showed up. Gathered some light to set my intentions.
* I do have January 2 to credit for finding my blog name. It's about the small victories, right?

January 3, 2011
Meditated for 24 minutes, 13 of which my mind ran completely amuck. Brief periods of stillness. Am I trying too hard? Feels like I'm playing hide and seek with God.

February 11, 2011
Made it to the Starrette homestead for a miniature retreat. Turns out I'm the only person here today. Looking forward to being silent. My intentions for today are to release my negativity and receive guidance. Let go. I have no plans except to listen.  

It is now March and I've made minimal progress. Apparently, meditation practice takes practice. 

I do believe that it's all about finding what works for you. There are so many techniques, tips and tricks out there that would alone make my head explode. The first step for me is to get quiet, rather, find time to get quiet. For me, that means waking up early and having those few moments alone.

What do I hope to get from this?
I want a connection to the still small voice. Some people call it intuition, your gut, your soul’s voice.  All I know is that my head cannot be making all the decisions. What swims up there is not meant for real life. It’s a bad neighborhood. No one should go there alone.

The still small voice is the machete that hacks through the tangled jungle of my thoughts. It’s the lighted pathway that shows me where I should go next. It’s the feeling that tells me, “this is right, go with it” or “this is very wrong.”  It’s my parental guidance and I need that.

Life throws curveballs all the time and I am constantly bombarded with the social pressures of what I “should” be doing. The still small voice is my answer to all that.  

My next post discusses the latest decision I made to pursue my happiness. It wasn’t an easy one. Let’s just say I’m headed down the path less taken. Grab your machetes- it’s going to be an adventure!